lundi 3 août 2009

pas de loup (wolf step)



"could it be?/ yes it could/
something's comin'/ something good/
if i can wait" ~west side story


something in my heart
is driving the stake
something in my brain
is shaking

i've known
euphoria so long that
without its kick
my brain might not work
that i won't be able to
write successful poems
that i'll eat to fill
the languid silences

then hate myself
growing old and fat
alone with my
idiopathic pain


i await every eighth
hour of every day
we break it down
by alarm clock

it's the hour
of mass relief
the hour of the
wolf step

when i come to
forget what is and
forge another lifeline
into my fisted palm

recreate myself
dream, relax
and only then can i
stand the pain and sickness
yet something in my
heart says change
time again for
plain ole being

will i break like
a suicidal kid
will i not be able to
withstand the awful sting

will i get
my will back
that's the willingness
my will, my willfulness

will i choose yes
yes i can
will the LDN*
restore my brain

i go to the hospital
heart in my hand
shaking, sweating, ready
for something different


* LDN is the abbreviation for low-dose naltrexone, an experimental but successful treatment for autoimmune disorders. if you or anyone you know has ms, lupus, crohn's, me-cfs, aids or other such illnesses, it's worth searching on the web or start with http://www.lowdosenaltrexone.com.

6 commentaires:

moigo a dit…

Laura, I see now your apprehension as well as a happy anticipation. It's not just concern about pain coverage. It's interesting to me that you wonder if the med might be a Muse. And you seem nervous about getting yourself back, like you might be paid a visit by a familiar stranger or a strange friend. I believe you are "ready for something different" and for someone who has in a sense been away for awhile.

Moineau En France a dit…

thank you for that comment, maureen. you are so right... drug as Muse, that's put so well... and yes, i think i'm ready to come back to myself. i do hope so, and i'll do my best to make it happen. just to feel totally "clear" again: i can't imagine it, but i will probably very soon experience it, perhaps as early as four days from now! thank you for your most loving support and always brilliant insight. i wub you (so much)! xoxoxoxooxoxoxox

Brenda a dit…

Somehow I feel this new treatment plan will help. And certainly hope it does!! And, hey, Laura, your muse is as soft and fierce as a mother's love, as the spray and depths of the ocean, and nothing's ever gonna stop you from creating art. Whatever you have, you will work with. Prayers and wishes go with you...

Writing about your illness, if I can call *it* that, and your drug regime, and the states of mind it all evokes in terms of your muse is a very interesting exploration of what creativity is and how it works. Beautifully written poem, as ever!

Thanks for everything, you honey. xoxo

Pisces Iscariot a dit…

"drug as a muse" mmm... perhaps the opposite is also true - your poems are often brutal (and always brutally honest) - it is difficult to critique something so personal - but definitely a gripping read.
btw - the painting (top left) is recognisably you (as far as I can tell)

Mary Stebbins Taitt a dit…

poignant!!!!!

Moineau En France a dit…

"if i can wait" was a little prophetic intro: seems the a&d folks believed i should wait until i get back from france because i'll be under too much pressure to do this in a month; i leave sept 9th. of course, i started the process on june 30th and everyone dragged their a-s-s until it was time for staff vacations!

oh we-ell. to make a long story short, i'm going to france with three months of oxycontin. hope i don't lose it; then i'll be in immediate withdrawal! but i've decided to begin tapering there, very, very slowly, 1/2 of 10mg at a time. it will take me approx 12 wks, and that's how long i'll be there! then i will be ready, more than ready, to start the LDN when i get home. (i did the same thing with klonapin and i never looked back!

"if i can wait..." "yes i can" thanks to my buddies on the road, mary, brenda, moigo, and pisces. xoxoxoox ~lt