mercredi 28 décembre 2011

the DEA is killing me

a unpoetic rant about the end of oxycontin...

the DEA* is taking away my life
the little life i was left with 15 years ago
when pain ascended from hell
and took over my brain and body
like some great martyrdom
i have born it all
with the help of oxycontin

the most sensitive core of me
is light on its feet
it cannot support opioid medications
they put me to sleep
and render me helpless
with no ability to concentrate
nauseated nodding slumbering
with dreams like strange movies

but one was different: oxycontin
it took away my pain and
woke me up to a new reality
enabled me to have a life
to sit and write or watch a movie
without falling asleep at the denouement
or struggling to finish what i started

but now the DEA has declared
that doctors are under the gun
and all the states are pressuring doctors
to relinquish that one narcotic
that has given me life with less pain
without half-wittedness
and they are all falling in line
like doctors did before the fascists
and with about as much compassion

first my doctor said there were "side effects"
and i never was sure what she meant
and then others followed with "we understand
but we can no longer prescribe it"
so how about trying methadone
that highly addictive poison from which
one in a thousand die in the first five days
it's only $30 per month and though we haven't
studied it much "if i were a gamblin' man
in a casino i'd put my money on it"

well doctor i've tried it
and for a month i did not wake up

well there's long-acting morphine
puts you right into the arms of morphée
and you can stay there for a thousand days
dream away pain wake up in nightmares
and sweat feel like vomiting
then stumble around like a drunken cow
looking for a toilet to throw up in

doctor i've tried it and for a month
i never woke or sat up
and when i did i was sick as a dog

fentanyl patches perhaps
of course you do have tachycardia
which will put you at risk for
a heart attack from hell
and even though two of your friends
with the same illness as you
had anaphylactic shock from it
and another one's heart went to 190
we can prescribe that one

no doctor i refuse a medication
that i know will bring my heart
to the breaking point
poison poison poison

well there is the new opana
based on oxymorphone like oxycontin
but two times stronger
so if you are sensitive to opioids
it's guaranteed to make you sleep
plus there's no "high" like oxycontin
(whatever that means)
oh yeah i see
the end of pain that i experience
the rush of relief ist jetzt verboten

the DEA is killing me
by denying this pain patient of 15 years
the one medication that offered her
a life without narcolepsy and nightmares
without nausea and disenfranchisement
they told doctors to give up prescribing it
because they didn't adhere to the rules
didn't take it seriously enough
and now everyone wants it
and some are dying from abusing it

i always took it seriously
i adhered to the rules for over 10 years
but that counts for nothing
nothing at all i'm doomed

sick as i am on my little couch bed
i could still have a small life
stay in touch with friends and family
write a letter listen to music read an article
no it wasn't perfect it's been damn lonely
but oxycontin relieved the pain
left me awake and alive
and now they are denying me it

there are no alternatives
i cannot live with this pain
untreated or undertreated
i will die from it quickly
for i refuse to live in unending pain
or over-drugged and unconscious

the DEA is killing me
and not only me but many pain patients
who were given back their lives
in small but important ways
thanks to oxycontin

*DEA - the federal Drug Enforcement Agency

5 commentaires:

Haze a dit…

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{no comment adequate}

Laura Tattoo a dit…

thanks, haze. i'm at a loss too...

Mary Stebbins Taitt a dit…

I sure hope you are feeling better and the pain has subsided. The poem is powerful. Upsetting, understandably!

Mary Stebbins Taitt a dit…

XOXOXOXOX sending love and healing vibes.

Laura Tattoo a dit…

thanks, mary. the doctors in pain mgmt were unbending, but my gp said if opana didn't work i could go back to oxycontin. that's all i needed to hear to try something new! i had fought with them for months, even wrote an appeal! (the appeal process turned out to be circular!) i was so frustrated and angry because i knew it was systemwide poliy and i was afraid after so many other meds had made me non compas mentas. but now i'm glad, i'm glad i changed. i'm clearer w/ better managed pain. i'm not over the hump yet, i'm still detoxing i think, but soon, soon, i'm hopeful everything will be better. thanks so much for your support! xooxoxoxox