mercredi 28 décembre 2011

the DEA is killing me

a unpoetic rant about the end of oxycontin...

the DEA* is taking away my life
the little life i was left with 15 years ago
when pain ascended from hell
and took over my brain and body
like some great martyrdom
i have born it all
with the help of oxycontin

the most sensitive core of me
is light on its feet
it cannot support opioid medications
they put me to sleep
and render me helpless
with no ability to concentrate
nauseated nodding slumbering
with dreams like strange movies

but one was different: oxycontin
it took away my pain and
woke me up to a new reality
enabled me to have a life
to sit and write or watch a movie
without falling asleep at the denouement
or struggling to finish what i started

but now the DEA has declared
that doctors are under the gun
and all the states are pressuring doctors
to relinquish that one narcotic
that has given me life with less pain
without half-wittedness
and they are all falling in line
like doctors did before the fascists
and with about as much compassion

first my doctor said there were "side effects"
and i never was sure what she meant
and then others followed with "we understand
but we can no longer prescribe it"
so how about trying methadone
that highly addictive poison from which
one in a thousand die in the first five days
it's only $30 per month and though we haven't
studied it much "if i were a gamblin' man
in a casino i'd put my money on it"

well doctor i've tried it
and for a month i did not wake up

well there's long-acting morphine
puts you right into the arms of morphée
and you can stay there for a thousand days
dream away pain wake up in nightmares
and sweat feel like vomiting
then stumble around like a drunken cow
looking for a toilet to throw up in

doctor i've tried it and for a month
i never woke or sat up
and when i did i was sick as a dog

fentanyl patches perhaps
of course you do have tachycardia
which will put you at risk for
a heart attack from hell
and even though two of your friends
with the same illness as you
had anaphylactic shock from it
and another one's heart went to 190
we can prescribe that one

no doctor i refuse a medication
that i know will bring my heart
to the breaking point
poison poison poison

well there is the new opana
based on oxymorphone like oxycontin
but two times stronger
so if you are sensitive to opioids
it's guaranteed to make you sleep
plus there's no "high" like oxycontin
(whatever that means)
oh yeah i see
the end of pain that i experience
the rush of relief ist jetzt verboten

the DEA is killing me
by denying this pain patient of 15 years
the one medication that offered her
a life without narcolepsy and nightmares
without nausea and disenfranchisement
they told doctors to give up prescribing it
because they didn't adhere to the rules
didn't take it seriously enough
and now everyone wants it
and some are dying from abusing it

i always took it seriously
i adhered to the rules for over 10 years
but that counts for nothing
nothing at all i'm doomed

sick as i am on my little couch bed
i could still have a small life
stay in touch with friends and family
write a letter listen to music read an article
no it wasn't perfect it's been damn lonely
but oxycontin relieved the pain
left me awake and alive
and now they are denying me it

there are no alternatives
i cannot live with this pain
untreated or undertreated
i will die from it quickly
for i refuse to live in unending pain
or over-drugged and unconscious

the DEA is killing me
and not only me but many pain patients
who were given back their lives
in small but important ways
thanks to oxycontin

*DEA - the federal Drug Enforcement Agency

samedi 24 décembre 2011

Merry Christmas and a Compassionate New Year 2012!

Merci mille fois pour m'avoir lue cette année. Je vous souhaite tous un bon et 
paisible 2012! Amitié toujours ~Laura, ton petit moineau poète xoxoxooxox

Thank you so much for having read me this year. I wish you all a good and 

peaceful 2012! Friendship always ~Laura, your little sparrow poet xoxoxo

mercredi 21 décembre 2011

The B-52's "Roam"

A beautiful memory: roller skating and dancing along the paved-over train track 
in San Juan Capistrano, Christmas 1989. xoxoxoxooxox

mardi 20 décembre 2011

pain that doesn't end

there's no metaphor in me
no irony or pathos
no poetry

just a stark pain
running down my arm
into my rib cage

there's no singing
no christmas
no holiday cheer

just a wish that my
heart would stop
knocking at my breast bone

it's simple:
when pain does not end
and you know it never will

what reasons can be given
for pushing through the heartbreak
of life on earth?

i've gone through them all
over and over in my head
but i'm still left hopeless

for sickness and pain
do not have an up side
beyond the cliché

and nobody knows
what it takes to keep doing it
alone in your room

shiny toys

Shiny Toys Festival 2010  -

how sad we are
grasping at these straws
that divert us from
ourselves and one another

we're wired for consumption
hardwired to be bottomless
yet all our goods
do not unite us

we're estranged from
the very thing we want
communion with others
and unconditional love

we become
slaves to desire
for there will always be
something newer and shinier

the raw materials alone
will require brutal wars
we're standing on the graves
of starving children

jeudi 15 décembre 2011

Beautiful Girls

Frantz Charlet, A Morrocan Beauty Holding a Parrot

Girls, your beauty will not save you
the more beautiful you are
the more the dogs will follow you
wanting that beauty for themselves
and once they are done
you will find yourself alone
because dogs have no intelligence
beyond what lies between
their legs, it is unsatiable
and no one beauty will satisfy it

i've seen the most beautiful girls
whom artists would praise as goddesses
throw themselves at the first dog
that follows them because
to be wanted is everything
to be desired is the highest honor
for a beautiful girl who has
no sense of her own value

You are not this body even if
today it appears dazzling
tomorrow anything can happen
and will happen and
it will take all your endeavor
to maintain that beauty that
dogs once found so desirable

Girls, you will suffer
girls, you will be forgotten
girls, live for knowledge
throw yourself into your life
and forget the dogs that follow you
clean out your closets and
learn to sing a song that has
nothing to do with belonging
for you belong even if
no one acknowledges you

There are worse things
besides loneliness
and the wounds you get today
a lifetime later may not heal
love and protect yourself today
for there is but one life and
one beauty that does not fade
the beauty of self-honor

mardi 13 décembre 2011


for radical feminists everywhere and those who want to be...

Cut off my head
hands and feet
I won't grow a penis
but I've got one tucked
away if i need it

I didn't need
Bettelheim to tell me
about refrigerator moms
or Lacan to warn me
about absent fathers

I've wrapped myself
in yards of sackcloth
since I was girl
yet I still had to hide
in too many closets

Nature or nuture
philosophy or psy-ops
religion or culture
each one is founded
on Mysogyny

Throw off the masculine
ideological shackles
Women will never be free
until we're ready to
start from zero

vendredi 9 décembre 2011

Little creation, big message

mars and venus

Mars and Venus by Di Cosimo Piero (Renaissance)

come jupiter
come mars
come venus
night after night
until egos fold
and we realize
how small how fragile
how enduring

when mars was setting
over the house next door
blinking blue then red
it brought up your memory
because mars fought with
venus in you
and i had to run across
the icy street to find
venus rising
just to complete
your life cycle

if only you had not
needed to fight so hard
for every bread crumb

if only you had been able
to follow your nature
and succomb to romance

the toro that was you
still rides the skies
and now that i see you
rising and falling
in these crystal nights
i know a little more about
how strong you were
how strong your love was
and it breaks my heart

love never dies
it just rises and falls
every night with
mars and venus

red mars

mardi 6 décembre 2011


cartoon by Chris Sims

yeah they're coming around again
all my friends
with spiced wine hot toddies
and all the myriad problems of
early christmas shopping

i told them christmas is dead
and god too for that matter

they've got telephones dripping
from their greazy fingers
they love to make calls to
their loved ones back home
and talk for hours

i told them i don't have the infrastructure
to talk long on the phone
i'm too weak to maintain
a two-way conversation

that's okay they love me as
i am broken at the kneecaps
they can manage the call
all by themselves if necessary

ho ho ho they stammer
ringing my bells
as if the messiah of hope came
and lit a 26-hr candle

and when i'm quiet for a couple of days
it all fades back into the woodwork
where it came from

that's okay with me
because i have nothing left to say
no christmas presents
no wishful thinking
no thinking at all to be honest

Mano Solo - Janvier

désolée que ce blog est si silencieux... j'ai une pneumonie, paiement pour paris. bisous. xooxoxooxoxox