housebound

i've never been as free
as i am today in this prison
my head on the pillow
swoons with possibilities
poems and stories
to break a funny bone
i laugh at myself now
as i often laugh alone

i've never been as free
to live my life in secret
to eat belgian chocolate
screen the telephone
watch a violent film
about a serial killer
in french without subtext
for the less fluent

i've never been as free
as when you are gone
or watching you come and go
even as the clock ticks
past the hour for my pills
and i awaken waist deep
in pain and analyze the
quiet that surrounds us

once you gave me life
saving me three times
you broke the spell of
nightmares by rocking me
as i cried acidic tears
how stale things get
when they sit
without movement

if only i could read a book
if only you'd stay awhile
and talk, pull up a chair
dare me to walk
cook a pot-au-feu
make jokes until dawn
i was a good actress once
wasn't i, my love?

so much time lays
beside me on the pillow
hangs above me ripened
with desire and ego
work was my worth
now there's something else
like holding onto myself
in this graveyard

i've never been as free
from the madness of the past
even in this new prison
no hospital wards have
awaited me for years
far less suicidal
i do what i can with this body
and pray you love me