for the love of god

for the love of god
i renounced everything
sold off my music
wrapped myself in sackcloth
wept for explanations as i
levitated at midnight
vibrating myself into madness
short circuiting my synapses
and praying for someone to come
and explain everything

and when no one came
i projected a guru
the perfected pariah
and i followed him unto death
smeared my body with his ashes
recounted his histories
bathed his image on
the banks of the ganges
then returned home to erect
an altar of such breadth
it filled three universes

yet everything was not
as lovely as it seemed
i had little discipline
over my mind and body
never slept or rested
smoked bija
engaged in random sex
took antipsychotics
and no amount of posturing
could sustain my body
as everything was outward
imagined and flouted
like the heat from my hands
that "healed" thousands

i lost my health
to a stealth virus
by opening the door
to my own ego
the games stopped
the gurus vanished
and i was left
alone and sick
with the vestiges
of the religious
the iconic images
and in my mouth
a taste of rust
and bitterness

i threw everything
back into the sea
where it came from
and started from zero
no god, no guru
no will, no want
no words of grief
not even a whisper
of om peace
just despair and malady
for decennium
pain ad nauseum
and it still goes on

yet as suddenly
as sun appears out
of the rainy season
i again feel joy
like honeysuckle blooming
on a summer night
and a deep peace
like a river that
draws me close
as my eyes grow soft
remembering it all
children, men
gurus, domestic animals
people i've loved
all the losses
all the resurrections
the beatings
the beginnings
the deaths of

and i live every one
blessed because
i am no longer
looking for love
but i have become love
and my words like nectar
flow from a jar
that never empties
but like om peace
fills every space
and all time
relative or not
with its sweetness