mercredi 5 janvier 2011

AWOL 1970

(warning: mildly explicit content)

i don't remember 
where we met
somewhere in 
worcester mass

no wait i do
it was clark university
you hung out at local
colleges because the kids
always helped you out
i had found my way to
a couch for a nap
when i woke up
i bummed a cigarette
we connected

you were awol from the army
i was awol from home
both of us on the run
from a sort of death
and sick authority
you from nam and those
last bloody deployments
i just wanted to get
as far away as possible
from my mother's debacles

we found a crash pad
and just stayed inside
you were so paranoid
about getting caught
while i liked the air
of conspiracy

i'd marched on washington
the year before
hitchhiked down with
my first boyfriend dave
i suppose that shows how
permissive my mother was
or rather how out of touch
with my rush to adulthood

you said you were 32
but you looked much older
your long blond hair
and brisly moustache didn't
hide your sun-hardened face
in fact today i'd say
you looked like a prisoner who
had just left auschwitz
skinny and scared shitless

your green jacket
was your only giveaway
and why you still wore it
god only knows
i suppose in those days
it spoke for itself
a protest of sorts and
a signal to other
veterans and activists

i was the iconic flower
child, a timid virgin of 13
the one you had waited for
you told me and
how lucky you were
to be the first man 
to have me

you said that once we
reached mexico 
we'd get married and
have tons of kids
i didn't know exactly
what that meant
but i went along with it
i felt pretty sorry for you

it took you many times to
deflower this child bride
i was so small and tight
but you were persistent
time after time on that
cold barren mattress
you poked and prodded
until you went limp
it must have been as
frustrating for you
as it was painful for me
i felt like a pin cushion
after 6 or 7 tries

finally you put me decidedly
on a hardwood table and
pulled my buttocks
gently towards you
i knew this was the moment i
had long dreamed of
i panicked and looked around
just above my head
was a bare light bulb
as bright as it was
i couldn't take my
eyes off it

in one fellswoop
you pushed into me as
my consciousness clung
so hard to that bulb
it bore a hole straight
through to my amygdala
i can still see it sometimes
just above my head
when i'm in that
helpless position

we left worcester the next day 
and headed to new york city
landing in the dorm room of some
guy you'd met on the sidewalk
then a shared apartment on
an nyu bulletin board

one of the roommates
talked to me outside
we shared a cigarette
i thought he wanted
nothing from me at all
and i felt very calm
yet empowered
he called me a
little sparrow
and it made me feel

i slept with the boy
then dumped you the next morning
your cloying had begun to bug me
i saw you as a weakling
for trusting me with
all that power

yes, there was new power in sex
strange and cruel and wonderful
but little did i know as i
set out to explore brooklyn
that i was about to lose it all
to a marauding stranger

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