AWOL 1970

(warning: mildly explicit content)

i don't remember 

where we met

somewhere in 

worcester mass

no wait i do

it was clark university

you hung out at local

colleges because the kids

always helped you out

i had found my way to

a couch for a nap

when i woke up

i bummed a cigarette

we connected

you were awol from the army

i was awol from home

both of us on the run

from a sort of death

and sick authority

you from nam and those

last bloody deployments

i just wanted to get

as far away as possible

from my mother's debacles

we found a crash pad

and just stayed inside

you were so paranoid

about getting caught

while i liked the air

of conspiracy

i'd marched on washington

the year before

hitchhiked down with

my first boyfriend dave

i suppose that shows how

permissive my mother was

or rather how out of touch

with my rush to adulthood

you said you were 32

but you looked much older

your long blond hair

and brisly moustache didn't

hide your sun-hardened face

in fact today i'd say

you looked like a prisoner who

had just left auschwitz

skinny and scared shitless

your green jacket

was your only giveaway

and why you still wore it

god only knows

i suppose in those days

it spoke for itself
a protest of sorts and

a signal to other

veterans and activists

i was the iconic flower

child, a timid virgin of 13

the one you had waited for

you told me and

how lucky you were

to be the first man 

to have me

you said that once we

reached mexico 

we'd get married and

have tons of kids

i didn't know exactly

what that meant

but i went along with it

i felt pretty sorry for you

it took you many times to

deflower this child bride

i was so small and tight

but you were persistent

time after time on that

cold barren mattress

you poked and prodded

until you went limp

it must have been as

frustrating for you

as it was painful for me

i felt like a pin cushion

after 6 or 7 tries

finally you put me decidedly

on a hardwood table and

pulled my buttocks
gently towards you

i knew this was the moment i
had long dreamed of
i panicked and looked around

just above my head

was a bare light bulb

as bright as it was
i couldn't take my

eyes off it

in one fellswoop

you pushed into me as

my consciousness clung

so hard to that bulb

it bore a hole straight

through to my amygdala

i can still see it sometimes

just above my head

when i'm in that

helpless position

we left worcester the next day 
and headed to new york city

landing in the dorm room of some

guy you'd met on the sidewalk

then a shared apartment on

an nyu bulletin board

one of the roommates

talked to me outside

we shared a cigarette

i thought he wanted

nothing from me at all

and i felt very calm

yet empowered

he called me a

little sparrow

and it made me feel

beautiful

i slept with the boy

then dumped you the next morning

your cloying had begun to bug me

i saw you as a weakling

for trusting me with

all that power

yes, there was new power in sex

strange and cruel and wonderful

but little did i know as i
set out to explore brooklyn

that i was about to lose it all

to a marauding stranger