samedi 30 octobre 2010

sous la voile

oh la le jour gris 
et de la pluie parterre
une tristesse dans le cœur
des pensées funèbres

femme voilée
parmi la foule
qui hurle sa haine
des musulmans

"soyez libre, la femme"
vient la chant
"ne te cache pas
 sous la voile"

mais je me sens bien
dans cette cachette
c'est moi et dieu
à l'aveuglette

mais qui n'est pas
sans vision n'est-ce pas
cherchant avec ses bras
dans cet océan noir?

qui n'est pas seul
avec son cœur dur
sous la voilée
de la solitude?

ne me craignez pas
ni me jugez trop
je ne me montre comme
vous qu'in vitro

vendredi 29 octobre 2010

magic loss and something else

the ten mahavidyas

i remember the magic of the dawn
just before the light came on
as the first bird broke into song
and summoned awake all
the mystical birds

i lay with open eyes
and felt the great longing
seep into my sleepiness
awaken in my veins
the passion of a new bride

i turned my lightbox on
and opened a book
my eyes floated back and forth
from page to light source
ringing the pineal bell with joy

i would crawl to my altar then
and light the cold ghee wick i had
prepared the night before
i would sound the individual altar bells
awakening each sleeping muse

then cross legged on a mat
the length and breadth of my body
i would pick up my japa mala
the flower garland of my offering
each bead the essence of desire

om namo narayanaya
my surrender as sweet as
sandalwood and myrhh
each seed a butterball in my mouth
and a rolling wave of my ecstatic heart

for hours i would sit straight up
and move the day's light
from my head to my foot
mentally chanting the mantra
i had long asked for in prayer

i repeated every day
this wonderful formula
and i knew a peace that
humans long for in the chaos
of their years on earth

oh i remember the magic
no mountain too high
no valley too low
a middle path in the wilderness
and no intruder of laziness or lust

i remember the healing that
passed through my hands
and the men and women who came
for just an hour of that magic
letting their sadness melt away in tears


i took my foot off that path
when reality set in
with unpaid bills and lights turned off
I had to go back into
the land of human work

i maintained my sweet heart
but not my holy thoughts
i no longer had time for the
the daily practice before dawn
lightbox defunct mala untouched

my starved olfactory nerves
soon were filled with cigarette smoke
and the pineal gland was hampered
as i trudged each gray. damp morning
like everyone else to my cubicle 

i thought i loved the work
helping the hundreds who called
who asked for their status
i talked them out of death sometimes
and i lent them my good energies

for two years i served this cause
until my body grew weak and ill
deep pain from out of nowhere
starting at the base of my neck
and extending the length of my arm

and then took over every inch of me
the way mold spreads in a tiled room
its tentacles extending into each crevice
a million points of pain as if
hell itself had invaded me with fire 

filled with tears i said goodbye
to all the darlings with whom i worked
they waved from their chairs
and wondered if my replacement would
come soon enough to save them


are there two lives in this life
one of magic and one of loss
the elders say there is but one
and that you can enlighten yourself
by walking the path of selfless service

i thought i was better alone in
the four walls of the temple room
drinking in the nectar of
the lightbox and the dawn
sitting tall and singing birdsong

how surprised i was that
illness had taken over my world
i now missed both the action of work
and the daily morning practice
as i slept in chains of pain

no strength to get up and
call client or god
just a long day in and out of
the shadows on my bed
not a middle path exactly

not magic, not loss
but something else:
perhaps i've wished for too much
was too attached to the magic
and had to learn what human was

what so many people
must live with everyday
i am not special or chosen
i have a human body
that must be taken care of

the lessons of magic loss
and something else
are not linear but redundant
we reinvent ourselves because
there is no one answer to it all

mardi 19 octobre 2010

malady and despair

edgar münch, the sick child

(title poem of a work in progress)

the sun has come back
from its holiday
it is shining on
the glory tree
outside my window
greening its leaves
with photorays
more life for
the indefatiguable world

i rest pathetically in

my dark room
my faded curtains
let in a bit of light
my tired eyes
my faulty wiring
the rum-rum
under my skin
disfigures everything

yet there is no one

to see and thus
my transfigurement
in the light
never takes place
i'm like the little child
too shy for the world
who keeps safe in spite
of her loneliness

soon it will be dark

and the cold air
will enter the
veins of the house
my fever will turn
to ice and chill
there are socks and scarves
and an old gray sweater
at the end of my bed

i will put them on

and lay down
perchance to dream that
there is love
the hero's quest
as it was
before the blitzkrieg
before illness came
and took everything

i am too tired to

continue writing
the light is now
muted late afternoon
the only sounds i hear
are the churning fans
and a few cars on
the highway above
going home

i'll say goodnight

before you go
i'm still polite in the
face of my demise
i've put my light face on
with a few lines
i've shown i am still
alive even though
there is no desire

goodnight, goodnight

i feel no sorrow
in saying it
tomorrow we begin again
to follow the sun
from east to west
moving from light to shadow
and seeking transcendence
over malady and despair

dimanche 10 octobre 2010

Harvest Moon

Harvest Maiden by Sandie (click to enlarge)

I saw the moon rise
as I crossed that bend
where the road runs straight
into a dusky sky

I swear it was
the harvest moon
as huge as our
round globe!

Triumph and revelry
it dwells in our gravity
melding the near
and the far

Normally we're a shadow
bent elbow
to the universe

samedi 9 octobre 2010

a list for my dietician

breakfast is oatmeal, flax seed and raisins
with enough cinnamon to kill the wildebeest
popcorn snack, soy butter on sesame crackers
yogurt with bioenzymes and 100% fruit jam
milky white tea, stove-top coffee
nutty basmati steaming through the house
custard with olives and brocoli heads
pineapple and mandarins in a jar
(drink the juice before it's gone)
an apple, some carrots, leafy greens
dressed with mayo, apricot, & lime
(top with seeds of all kinds)
butter beans and tomatoes, chickpeas or lentils
spicy dal with chapatti, tortillas and avocado
bitter chocolate to sweeten my dreams

goodbye to my foods
goodbye to the last comfort
do not live to eat but eat to live
sometimes i wonder what is left
a red drop at the tip of my finger