magic loss and something else

the ten mahavidyas

i remember the magic of the dawn

just before the light came on

as the first bird broke into song

and summoned awake all

the mystical birds

i lay with open eyes

and felt the great longing

seep into my sleepiness

awaken in my veins

the passion of a new bride

i turned my lightbox on

and opened a book

my eyes floated back and forth

from page to light source

ringing the pineal bell with joy

i would crawl to my altar then

and light the cold ghee wick i had

prepared the night before

i would sound the individual altar bells

awakening each sleeping muse

then cross legged on a mat

the length and breadth of my body

i would pick up my japa mala

the flower garland of my offering

each bead the essence of desire

om namo narayanaya

my surrender as sweet as

sandalwood and myrhh

each seed a butterball in my mouth

and a rolling wave of my ecstatic heart

for hours i would sit straight up

and move the day's light

from my head to my foot

mentally chanting the mantra

i had long asked for in prayer

i repeated every day

this wonderful formula

and i knew a peace that

humans long for in the chaos

of their years on earth

oh i remember the magic

no mountain too high

no valley too low

a middle path in the wilderness

and no intruder of laziness or lust

i remember the healing that

passed through my hands

and the men and women who came

for just an hour of that magic

letting their sadness melt away in tears

            ***

i took my foot off that path

when reality set in

with unpaid bills and lights turned off

I had to go back into

the land of human work

i maintained my sweet heart

but not my holy thoughts

i no longer had time for the

the daily practice before dawn

lightbox defunct mala untouched

my starved olfactory nerves

soon were filled with cigarette smoke

and the pineal gland was hampered

as i trudged each gray. damp morning

like everyone else to my cubicle 

i thought i loved the work

helping the hundreds who called

who asked for their status

i talked them out of death sometimes

and i lent them my good energies

for two years i served this cause

until my body grew weak and ill

deep pain from out of nowhere

starting at the base of my neck

and extending the length of my arm

and then took over every inch of me

the way mold spreads in a tiled room

its tentacles extending into each crevice

a million points of pain as if

hell itself had invaded me with fire 

filled with tears i said goodbye

to all the darlings with whom i worked

they waved from their chairs

and wondered if my replacement would

come soon enough to save them

             ***

are there two lives in this life

one of magic and one of loss

the elders say there is but one

and that you can enlighten yourself

by walking the path of selfless service

i thought i was better alone in

the four walls of the temple room

drinking in the nectar of

the lightbox and the dawn

sitting tall and singing birdsong

how surprised i was that

illness had taken over my world

i now missed both the action of work

and the daily morning practice

as i slept in chains of pain

no strength to get up and

call client or god

just a long day in and out of

the shadows on my bed

not a middle path exactly

not magic, not loss

but something else:

perhaps i've wished for too much

was too attached to the magic

and had to learn what human was

what so many people

must live with everyday

i am not special or chosen

i have a human body

that must be taken care of

the lessons of magic loss
and something else
are not linear but redundant
we reinvent ourselves because
there is no one answer to it all