i remember the magic of the dawn
just before the light came on
as the first bird broke into song
and summoned awake all
the mystical birds
i lay with open eyes
and felt the great longing
seep into my sleepiness
awaken in my veins
the passion of a new bride
i turned my lightbox on
and opened a book
my eyes floated back and forth
from page to light source
ringing the pineal bell with joy
i would crawl to my altar then
and light the cold ghee wick i had
prepared the night before
i would sound the individual altar bells
awakening each sleeping muse
then cross legged on a mat
the length and breadth of my body
i would pick up my japa mala
the flower garland of my offering
each bead the essence of desire
om namo narayanaya
my surrender as sweet as
sandalwood and myrhh
each seed a butterball in my mouth
and a rolling wave of my ecstatic heart
for hours i would sit straight up
and move the day's light
from my head to my foot
mentally chanting the mantra
i had long asked for in prayer
i repeated every day
this wonderful formula
and i knew a peace that
humans long for in the chaos
of their years on earth
oh i remember the magic
no mountain too high
no valley too low
a middle path in the wilderness
and no intruder of laziness or lust
i remember the healing that
passed through my hands
and the men and women who came
for just an hour of that magic
letting their sadness melt away in tears
***
i took my foot off that path
when reality set in
with unpaid bills and lights turned off
I had to go back into
the land of human work
i maintained my sweet heart
but not my holy thoughts
i no longer had time for the
the daily practice before dawn
lightbox defunct mala untouched
my starved olfactory nerves
soon were filled with cigarette smoke
and the pineal gland was hampered
as i trudged each gray. damp morning
like everyone else to my cubicle
i thought i loved the work
helping the hundreds who called
who asked for their status
i talked them out of death sometimes
and i lent them my good energies
for two years i served this cause
until my body grew weak and ill
deep pain from out of nowhere
starting at the base of my neck
and extending the length of my arm
and then took over every inch of me
the way mold spreads in a tiled room
its tentacles extending into each crevice
a million points of pain as if
hell itself had invaded me with fire
filled with tears i said goodbye
to all the darlings with whom i worked
they waved from their chairs
and wondered if my replacement would
come soon enough to save them
***
are there two lives in this life
one of magic and one of loss
the elders say there is but one
and that you can enlighten yourself
by walking the path of selfless service
i thought i was better alone in
the four walls of the temple room
drinking in the nectar of
the lightbox and the dawn
sitting tall and singing birdsong
how surprised i was that
illness had taken over my world
i now missed both the action of work
and the daily morning practice
as i slept in chains of pain
no strength to get up and
call client or god
just a long day in and out of
the shadows on my bed
not a middle path exactly
not magic, not loss
but something else:
perhaps i've wished for too much
was too attached to the magic
and had to learn what human was
what so many people
must live with everyday
i am not special or chosen
i have a human body
that must be taken care of
the lessons of magic loss
and something else
are not linear but redundant
we reinvent ourselves because
there is no one answer to it all
