daddy

for sylvia

where are you daddy
in your mansion
a stone's throw from the ocean
walking the dogs
feeding the parakeets
riding your exercycle at dawn
to keep the ole
adrenaline pumping
no more marathons for you
no more uniforms
no more trips abroad
no more telephone calls

have i never known
a daddy outside of the
disjointed facts
you told me at thirty-six
maybe i was too old
to connect
it felt to me like a stranger
was calling my name
raising my little girl hopes
for having a daddy
a daddy all my own
a mirror a mighty arm
a miracle

i was told you took me
driving driving driving
as i slept like a baby
sprawled in the car seat 
out like a light so they say
but there are no pictures
buried in my brain
not even a feeling
between us
just two actors who
assume their roles and then
pass into the night
never knowing
where is daddy 
where is daughter

会津絵ろうそくまつり＆デジタル掛け軸＠鶴ヶ城（2012.2.10）

a beautiful lightshow in honor of the people of fukushima ...

The following comment is by Michaël Colom, a member of our Fukushima 311 Watchdogs group, who is passionate about Japanese culture:
 

Aizu-Wakamatsu Castle, one of the most praised castle throughout Japan and a proud symbol for Fukushima people. It was also called Tsuruga-jô -the Crane Castle. The castle was built around the 14th century by a powerful daimyô family in the area, Ashina clan. It stayed under their possession up until the 16th century. By the 17th century, fully in the Edo period, the castle went into the hands of another daimyô, a close family member of the Tokugawa shogunat, Hoshina Masayuki. It stayed under Hoshina clan until the Meiji restauration, which marked the end of Japan ruled by an elitist warrior class. 1868-1869 is a famous historical date for a war which marks the beginning of the Japan we actually know, Bôshin sensô, which means the war of the year of Dragon, between the imperial and nationalist camps versus the shogunat one. Aizu was the last domain to support the shogun side, and during the battle, a famous unit composed of a majority of 17-year-old warriors (Byakkôtai = or white tiger unit) had to sacrifice their lives by seppuku when they thought their lord's castle was taken by the enemy. Ironically, this year is the year of the dragon and Fukushima youth are being sacrified because of insane officials who assiege them and do not care at all about them

apocalyptique

apocalyptique

mon nouveau parfum

âcre

indéfinissable

de court-circuit

de pétrole

de feu

je peux le distinguer

sur mes points de pulsation

avec leur pom pom pom

vitalité

je veux courir

au centre de la ville

je veux danser 

comme un fou

ma sueur douce

goutte à goutte

je veux voler

comme dans un rêve

je veux vivre

la vie avant

mon apocalypse

done before starting

if i let my fingers fly like birds, will i arrive at an open door, step over the frozen threshold, pass from ice to fire and feel a subjective something that can overwhelm the numbness that is inside me?

am i still capable of making love to the ghosts that vibrate my bones, the traumatic pimentos that torment me in dreams, divert my intention in wakefulness, sending deep bass notes down my spine until i'm lying in an embryonic heap on the couch, knowing nothing?

i've become perverse because i've lost the will to live, it's that simple. the broken pipes of my organs sing obtuse songs or they don't sing at all, as pain pounds through me like a pom pom pom drum and my mind goes blank in the fog of war, the guerre perpetuelle that i am fighting and losing.

no this is not a poem, it is not a feeling, it is just another bit about living with pain, and i'm oh so very tired. it's not a game i play well. and then... the numbness, the fog, the slow fall into snow over and over.

and the poem is done before it's started.

bait hook

time is in my face like a bait hook

my antenna spread around it like tentacles

weaving a close but loose fitting garment

a floating ghost of a robe in aqua

touch and retract touch and retract

i am hungry like everyone else for life

nibble nibble nibble and then

too greedy