Sea Pine

I can't see it

but I can smell it

drifting on the wind

pine sap and dark brown honey

all wood perfume like deep forest

striking my yellow jacket heart

autumnal like dying leaves 

or those helicopter seeds

yet this is not leaves or seeds

but Mediterranean ambrosia.

In front of infinite turquoise

roaring with siren song

I'm searching every branch

marching miles of seawall

gypsy parks and empty tavernas

my eyes desperate to find it

to know its form, name its name

bottle it and take it home

as a memento of this moment

of my great love for Greece

to wear it on my pulse points

and grieve for years

what will never be mine again

what was always transient and ephemeral

like the scent of sea pine in November.

Black Sun--Death Cab for Cutie

"There is grace within forgiveness
But it's so hard for me to find ..."

<

I Used to Stay Alive for You, Now I Stay Alive for Me

All those years on a couch
in constant pain
often barely able to raise up
and make it to the bathroom
I thought about how
you'd never understand
if I had to leave my body
that vertiginous entity over which
I had no control except to kill 
but could not because
I didn't want to leave you
with any doubts about
how much I loved you
or how much you loved me
so I fought for 16 years
although it seemed unbelievable
that God or anyone else
could leave me like that...

So I lived for you all those years
because it seemed I owed you that
since it was no longer my mind
that was the weak link
but my body...

Now that I am well
and you will not speak to me
blaming me for the things
that were out of my hands
during your childhood
when doctors fed me antipsychotics
antidepressants and neuroleptics
and told me that my own
brain chemistry was at fault 
that I would never be well
without those toxic cocktails
and how could I know better
I who was grieving more
than you will ever comprehend?
If they had only asked me
"What are you grieving for?"
I might have told them...

Now that I am living for myself
and celebrating a new life
standing on my own two feet
and recovering from all forms
of addiction and codependency
I am proud of myself
and I am happy.