Millennium Song

Millennium Song, a poem-turned-song I wrote on New Year's Eve, 1999...



Eve of the millennium 
And what do I feel 
Despair and tribulation 
Deep sadness and fear 

A night of introspection 
Not a thread of what's real 
As the TV drones on 
With reports of world cheer 

Each countdown a letdown 
Each hour more pain 
As I lay on the couch 
Coffee cup in my hand 

Singing my own song 
A silent refrain 
It takes more than millennium 
To make a grain of sand 

(More than a grain of sand 
More than a grain of sand)

Innamoramento - Mylène Farmer translation

Toi qui n'a pas su me reconnaître 

You who didn't know how to recognize me
Ignorant ma vie, ce monastère, j'ai 

Ignoring my life, this monastery, i have 
Devant moi une porte entrouverte 

In front of me a door partly open 
Sur un peut-être 

On a maybe 
Même s'il me faut tout recommencer
Even if I have to start all over again

Toi qui n'as pas cru ma solitude 

You who did not believe my solitude 
Ignorant ses cris, ses angles durs, j'ai 

Ignoring its cries, its hard angles, I have 
Dans le coeur un fil minuscule 

In my heart a minuscule thread 
Filament de Lune 

A filament of Moon 
Qui soutient là, un diamant qui s'use... 

That supports a diamond that is worn out... 
Mais qui aime

Yet that loves...

J'n'ai pas choisi de l'être
I didn't choose to be it
Mais c'est là, "l'Innamoramento"
But there it is, the Innamoramento
L'amour, la mort, peut-être
Love, death, perhaps
Mais suspendre le temps pour un mot

But to suspend time for a word 
Tout se dilate et cède à tout 

Everything is dilated and cedes to all
Et c'est là, "l'Innamoramento" 

And there it is, the Innamoramento 
Tout son être s'impose à nous 

Its entire being is imposed on us 
Trouver enfin peut-être un écho

To find perhaps an echo...

Toi qui n'a pas vu l'autre côté, de 

You who haven't seen the other side, of 
Ma mémoires aux portes condamnées, j'ai
My memories at the gates of hell, I have
Tout enfoui les trésors du passé
Buried all the treasure of the past
Les années blessées 

The wounded years 
Comprends-tu qu'il me faudra cesser...
Don't you understand that I have to stop...
Moi qui n'ai plus regardé le ciel, j'ai
I who no longer look at the sky, I have
Devant moi cette porte entrouverte, mais 

Before me this partly open door, but 
l'inconnu a meurtri plus d'un coeur 

The unknown has murders many a heart 
Et son âme soeur 

And its sister soul 
On l'espère, on l'attend, on la fuit même
One hopes for it, one waits for it, one flees from it even
Mais on aime
But one loves...

J'n'ai pas choisi de l'être
I didn't choose to be it
Mais c'est là, "l'Innamoramento"
But there it is, the Innamoramento
L'amour, la mort, peut-être
Love, death, perhaps
Mais suspendre le temps pour un mot

But to suspend time for a word 
Tout se dilate et cède à tout 

Everything is dilated and cedes to all
Et c'est là, "l'Innamoramento" 

And there it is, the Innamoramento 
Tout son être s'impose à nous 

Its entire being is imposed on us 
Trouver enfin peut-être un écho

To find perhaps an echo...

faut vivre

i won't waste another minute
breathlessly regretting my life
sitting, waiting, wasting
growing bitter and blind
and avoiding all trace of sunlight

the sun is our source of life
without it we die in an ice bucket
our cells no longer charge
our internal rhythms fall apart
we sleep no more (on mange mal)

i want a sane life
sane, sain, santé
i want to walk to everything
and have everything walk to me
there is liberation in forgetting

libération dans l'oubli
sans temps, sans regret, sans colère
"non, rien de rien," a chanté moineau
et moi non plus de ma vie
même ces 16 ans de maladie

la lumière m'est revenue
avec ses bisous chaleureux
et mes yeux l'accueillent
comme elle ne m'est jamais quittée
je vole entière, je suis déjà libre

à courir nue, à rire, à faire l'amour
avec une âme et un corps
je me suis sortie de l'enfer
sauf dans une forêt verte
où je vais prendre mon siège

une vie douce, la dolce vida
m'entoure de ses bras
me sauve de mes pensées noires
me fait réaliser que je suis
joyeuse, aimable, forte

que je puisse être honnête
sans peur d'un massacre de mots
juste les mots qui soulagent
car tout le monde sait bien
comment j'ai souffert ces années-là

donc bénissez-moi, mes amis
et tout le reste bye bye
je suis en traîne de voyager
hors de distance, hors de pays
je vais faire mon étranger

et je n'ai aucune peur
ni regret de ma décision
seulement un soleil devant moi
des montagnes qui se lèvent
et mon amour à l'intérieur

laissez-moi tranquille
j'en ai assez souffert
devant la porte
à travers le seuil
je suis déjà libre de tout ça

la bible de l'amour
s'ouvre à la page 55
l'âge ne fait rien
pour celui qui s'aime
avec tout son être

et j'aime exactement comme ça
si je savais que j'étais en attente
j'aurais crié: Sauvez-moi!
mais tout ce qu'il veut
c'est ma volonté et mon amour

et le corps s'éveille
et le corps s'envole
je promis de l'écouter
quand il me parle doucement
et je vous laisse mes léçons

pour que vous aussi
vous viviez
vous en méritez
aussi que moi

J'accuse! (found poem)

I found this poem in an old journal today. I believe it was written early in the Iraq War.


We live in deep times,
Deeper yet than rivers 
that flood,
Deeper yet as acid rain 
falls down,
Deeper than enough love 
to fill the earth,
Deeper than time 
the need for survival.

Yet in this torn universe,
Voices cry out for 
peace and freedom,
the knowledge that love abides
even in the midst of 
your criminal lies
that corruption brings to
every evil empire.

You shall fall down 
and then what will you say,
That you meant only good
as your bombs dropped on
a house where people lived
and a little boy was killed,
as you poison the ground
turning brother against brother,
leaving the sisters alone
to grieve their losses?

We cannot accept such answers
in these times of
delicate balance
The trees will turn to stone 
before you are become
the truthful person you were
born to become,
tableau rasa baby
that you were 
deep deep in
your mother's womb.

But it wasn't enough,
you were corrupted.
You turned to winning
the public's mind with
your most articulate lies,
disguising your greed
and addiction for
the precious oil
that has made you notorious
throughout the world.

No -- History will
find you unclothed
and wielding the sign of
the beasty bird.
We will read and
not understand -- again!
And so the lesson will
be lost with the next man
sworn in ...

War can never be
a path to peace
and you declare war
so easily while
dumbing down 
the populace
with lies and laws
they cannot understand:
you are an expert
at deceit and confusion.

But know we can
(and will) love every
dove that travels
on this earth:
You can assassinate
the doves one by one
But their songs
of peace and freedom
can never be undone.

And they will be
remembered with love
while you will go to
your grave 
forgotten and alone
with only your
mother's arms
to keep you warm.

Daniel Lavoie - Les Paravents Chinois

from "Comédies Humaines"
by Daniel Lavoie / Patrice Guirao 

Devant ton paravent chinois 
In front of your chinese screen 
J'attends parfois des heures barlongues 
I sometimes wait for the longest hours  
Que se dévoile un peu de toi 
That unveil a little of you 
Sur le bleu tendre du Mékong 
On the tender blue of the Mekong 

Qu'il me dessine l'idéogramme 
It designs me the arenaceous 
Arénacé de tes contours  
Idiogram of your contours
Et le delta violine et femme 
And the violet and feminine delta
Où se méandrent les amours 
Where lovers meander 

Dessous ses ponts enluminés 
Under the illuminated bridges 
Des jonques glissent sous leur bambous 
With junks shining beneath their bamboo 
L'ambre et la soie de tes dessous 
The amber and silk of your lingerie 
Comme une caresse remémorée 
Like a remembered caress 

Sous les jupons d'une illusion 
Under the half-slips of an illusion 
Mes mains se posent à même la fresque 
My hands pose on the fresco 
Pour tatouer un papillon 
To tattoo a butterfly 
A la cheville d'une arabesque 
On the ankle of an arabesque 

Bien sûr qu'ils ont une âme les paravents chinois 
Of course chinese screens have a soul 
Ils ont celles de ces femmes qui ne leur cachent rien 
They have those of these women that hide nothing of them
Ils ont celles qu'ils réclament dès qu'elles couvrent leurs seins 
They have those that they claim as soon as they cover their breasts 
Bien sûr qu'ils ont une âme les paravents chinois 
Of course chinese screens have a soul 

La gorge nue sur un vallon 
The nude throat on a valley 
Le temps se courbe à l'infini 
Time bends toward the infinite 
Sur les dentelles de l'horizon 
On the lace of the horizon 
A la recherche de ton lit 
In the search for your bed 

J'attends que vienne ta nudité 
I wait for your nudity to come 
Debout sur le soleil levant 
Lying upon the rising sun 
Qui me dévoile l'intimité 
That unveils to me the intimacy 
Que tu réserves à tes amants 
That you reserve for your lovers 

Bien sûr qu'ils ont une âme les paravents chinois 
Of course chinese screens have a soul 
Ils ont celles de ces femmes qui ne leur cachent rien 
They have those of these women that hide nothing of them
Ils ont celles qu'ils réclament dès qu'elles couvrent leurs seins 
They have those that they claim as soon as they cover their breasts 
Bien sûr qu'ils ont une âme les paravents chinois 
Of course chinese screens have a soul

 

it's inevitable

it was inevitable that
she would become too lonely
it was inevitable that
she would find a way to
feel needed and beautiful
that she would become afraid
feel guilty and unfaithful
that she would scurry home
with her tail between her legs
and act angry and hurtful
it was all so inevitable

it is inevitable now that
her heart feels like a sponge
soaked with someone's blood
it is inevitable that 
her mind is always
somewhere else
that she is driven to say
sorry it was all my fault
and think about how
poems might save her
it is all so inevitable

all so obvious and
inevitable and unfair to
everyone including herself
in its inevitability
like a hangover after
too much liquor
or an early grave
of a golddigger
and she's been digging
just as fast as she can
for a way out
 

rêve du matin

i slept in this morning
and had a strong dream
about dangerous love:
no façade is the best façade
for one can project anything
one wants onto it

there was always a
cruelty to his words
a narcissistic sense of
superiority over everything
and i for one knew
i would never live up to
his fundamentalist gospel

no easy answers in
the dark deep chasm
of pain and illness
yet they slipped from his fingers
like honey and raindrops
i can live with the dichotomies
that life throws at me
my mouth is open to it all

one life, one love
one man to make love to
he is visible and kind
he has never mocked me
but his laugh lights up the world
and i can see

Paintings: Lenoir Charles Amable, Dream of the Orient and Nymph in the Forest

Mad for You

Somewhere between the roar
of tankers on the river
and cars on the highway above my head,
the sweetest song i ever heard
started up from the laurel bushes,
a sudden trill of notes that
shattered the bitter mechanics:
i took it for a visit from your soul
and i swooned, mad for you ...

Painting: Edward Burne-Jones, Cupid Delivering Psyche (c 1871)
Bird: Melospiza melodia or Song sparrow

Indie Album: The Life and Death of Cathode Ray Eyes

"The Life and Death of Cathode Ray Eyes is a collection of lo-fi psychedelic garage gospel blues recorded as a by product of insomnia, tinnitus and descending madness..." by Cathode Ray Eyes

Let it be love ....

Oh la guitare / Pavane

Oh la guitare

Oh la guitare oh la guitare en sa gorge est mon cœur enclos
Oh the guitar oh the guitar in its throat is my enclosed heart
Moi qui ne fus qu'un chien bâtard je n'ai vécu que de sanglots
I who was only a bastard dog, I only wanted to live by tears
Oh la guitare quand on aime et l'autre ne vous aime pas
Oh the guitar when one loves and the other doesn't love you
Qu'on fasse taire le poème entendez-moi pleurer tout bas
So that one makes hush the poem, hear me cry very softly
Sur la guitare la guitare
On the guitar the guitar

Oh la guitare oh la guitare elle fait nuit mieux que la nuit
Oh the guitar oh the guitar it makes night better than the night
Les larmes sont mon seul nectar tout le reste n'est que du bruit
Tears are my only nectar all the rest is but noise
Oh la guitare pour le rêve oh la guitare pour l'oubli
Oh the guitar for dreaming, oh the guitar for forgetting
Le verre à quoi la main le lève à l'âge où l'on dort dans les lits
The hand raises the glass to the age where one sleeps in beds
Sans la guitare la guitare
Without the guitar the guitar

Oh la guitare ma guitare il me la faut pour que je croie
Oh the guitar my guitar I need it to believe
À ce triste air à ce triste art qui m'aide à mieux porter ma croix
In this sad air in this sad art that helps me better carry my cross
Oh la guitare du calvaire oh la guitare sans tes yeux
Oh the guitar of calvary oh the guitar without eyes
Brûlez ma voix brûlez mes vers oh la guitare d'être vieux
Burn my voice burn my lines of poetry oh the guitar of being old
Guitare guitare guitare
Guitar guitar guitar

Louis ARAGON
Interprète: Hélène Martin

Pavane pour une infant défunte:
Julian Bream and John Williams

Photos: Aragon, Martin, Bream and Williams

shoe repair

Photo: "Mission shoes" by David

i'm taking my shoes to the shoe repair
there are not any extras, it's my only pair
on the tip of each toe is a very large hole
perhaps they will have to replace the sole
so worn with a lifetime of walking about
god knows that i cannot forage without
through the forest floor or the grimy street
all of which is hard on the feet
this singular pair of shoes i love
that i've worn for years, that fit like a glove
i pray that the shoe doctor knows his trade
and will fix up the holes in the sole i've made
for these shoes are priceless, they're good as gold
one day i may bronze them when i grow old
set them on a mantle and remember the days
when glory was a walk in the sunlit haze
or i climbed a mountain and felt the nip
of a glacial wind on my burdened hip
yet inside i soared like a bird of prey
i remember the ecstacy to this day
that pair of shoes that held the ground
now needing the sole doctor i've found
at the shoe repair shop in the center of town
where i bring my pair and set them down
on the counter top where the doctor stands
and examines the work and notes the demands
then assures me the shoes can be repaired
and i feel that my very life has been spared
for i love those shoes, they are part of me
they're the wings on my feet that set me free
he appears sympathetic, he's seen this before
as i take the ticket and walk to the door
in my naked feet, every shard to feel
in his hands my shoes with holes to heal

 

one last poem and again

Arthur Streeton, "Oblivion"

one last kiss of the sun
before timelessness sets in
one more sweet speech
from your thick red lips
that have loved me
from my crown to my feet
and have absolved me
of ancient iniquities
yet never could remove
the stain of malady

now that there is nothing
to beat back the sick
and languid days
now that the prose i loved
is beyond my ability
to decipher and absorb
the length of days 
grows infinite
i'm sometimes awake
more often somnabulent
shut down against
an unalterable gray

my heart is hurting
the gates of my brain
have been broken
all i hear now are
chainsaws and cars
in syncopation with
my uneven pulse
and even the kiss of sun
spins my skin to silver
poisons the river
as it spills into the ocean

kiss me one more time
and i shall float an
elderly ghost on the shoreline
i shall write for you
one last poem to say
i loved you more than
life itself but not
and i am sorry
more than oblivion
 
would you understand
if i could no longer live
with this sickness?

Sailing in the Doldrums

All in a hot and copper sky,
The bloody Sun, at noon,
Right up above the mast did stand,
No bigger than the Moon.

Day after day, day after day,
We stuck, nor breath nor motion;
As idle as a painted ship
Upon a painted ocean.

~Coleridge


Another day in the Doldrums
leaning seasick over the edge
of a wornout brown couch
nothing but a voice in my head
to keep my blood flowing
Pump, damn you,
pump in and out
like a rattling tin drum!
I can't march, I can't speak,
I can't even think
for the life of me
and I'm not sure it's worth
thinking about anymore
At least a cool breeze
is blowing through the door


This is not a summer storm
but the eternal state of
gray we've been given
No wonder a light
will hurt my eyes
No wonder melancholy
feels like comfort
I should have moved south
when I had a chance
Where the sun might
have healed at last
these darkest doldrums

gentle giant

i am the proverbial giant
climbing the ladder of poetry
with a hundred clichés 
stolen one by one
from my last plaintive song
and unaware that i've grown
redundant

a sea parts for me when
i stick out my mighty cane
it catches lightning bolts
and glowworms in the dark
my power is in the correctness
of my attitude towards
the world

what am i now if not gentle
where have i last seen
a sunset sink into the sea
or picked plump berries
or jumped into a cold river
where i was momentarily
healed?

what is the last thought
in my head that i can savor
and save for another poem
in a cavalcade of rain
when my lack of fresh ideas
leaves me gasping for
charged air?

Thanks to Mawr Gorshin for the connection.

A short essay on military sexual assault

by Laura Tattoo, a civilian friend and support of men and women with

military sexual trauma

Surviving Jeffrey Dahmer

    http://www.survivingjeffreydahmer.org/

The link above is a story of military sexual assault. Perpetrators are consistently repeat offenders, hunting their prey within the closed system that is the military. When they leave the military for civilian life, they continue their hunt for new victims. Some stay in the military and just get away with it.

One perpetrator was a young Jeffrey Dahmer. The blog above is about one of his victims, Billy, a young man who was his roommate in the military. It is about how the military did not help Billy as well as his amazing journey toward healing. It will give anyone reading it a clear picture of what military sexual assault and its terrible consequences are really about.

The military must find a way to end the epidemic that has become military sexual assault. In 2010, there were 3,158 total reports of sexual assault in the military. The Department of Defense estimates that this number only represents 13.5% of total assaults in 2010, making the total number of military rapes and sexual assaults in excess of 19,000 for 2010; 37% of victims get raped twice and 14% are gang-raped. The list of men who have been raped is longer than that of women due to the fact that more men than women serve. I have personally known men who were raped in the military as part of a racial hate crime. All rape is a hate crime.

The best solution to the problem of military sexual assault is punishment and jail time for all perpetrators. This is far too rare: one in 5 actually sees the inside of a courtroom. Rather the victims themselves are harassed and punished. As long as nothing will happen to you when and if you are caught, why stop? The perpetrators also need to be put on a national mst registry that would be available to the public: men who are convicted of military sexual assault are not placed on the national registry of sex offenders. Thus, our communities, our sons and daughters, are not protected when perpetrators are discharged from service.

I recently learned that what makes mst (ptsd from military sexual assault) more difficult to heal from than other rape has the same etiology as rape vs. incest. As someone who has worked in group settings with women who were sexually assaulted, I saw firsthand that those who had been raped by fathers or brothers had the hardest time with recovery. While I am a rape survivor myself, I feel truly blessed not to have been a victim of incest.

Women and men in the military consider themselves to be a "band of brothers". Many are very proud to be part of the military and may come from military families, enthusiastic to make military service a career. When the commander whom you must report to or the soldier who is your best buddy rapes you, it has very much the same impact as incest.

What makes matters even worse, though, is the fact that the military treats the victim as the offender. First it tells them to shut up. If they don't, a list of 50+ questions must be answered by every victim, set up to make them look like they chose to be raped or that they were committing adultery. This questionnaire is actually used later to prosecute some rape victims.

The sarc program, the military's answer to victim assistance, has no power to direct the military to prosecute. Its prevention program actually focuses on the idea that military personnel will see and know and stop sexual assault in the moment, "buddy to buddy". Predators are much too smart for this; in fact, as with wife beaters, they are hard to spot, often charming and masked as great guys, the life of the party, hard workers, etc.

What is needed is a change of culture in the military system, taking the decision to hand over cases for prosecution away from unit commanders. This has recently been ordered by the Pentagon but it does not take the investigation out of the closed military system. And the military does not like a sexual scandal; it will do anything to avoid it, including silencing victims. Sexual assault scandals go back a long time, including the infamous "Tailhook" scandal investigated by Congress. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tailhook_scandal)

I recently went to a screening of Kirby Dick's new and must-see documentary on military sexual assault called "The Invisible War". During the question-and-answer period following the film, a veteran suggested that one more piece of paper be added to the countless recruitment and sign-up documents. This paper would present the statistics of sexual assault and state that there is a possibility that rape would occur during service. (The courts have deemed over and over that "rape is incidental to military service"!) Then let the recruit sign that paper…

I think this is a brilliant idea. It would give pause to any young person joining today and even more pause to their parents who are often involved in the process. If the military cannot find a better way to prevent sexual assaults and protect the young women and men who are serving our country, at the least, let it say so and let the recruits and their parents decide. Then let the military get those numbers down and show that it does in fact punish perpetrators rather than rewarding them. Most perpetrators are promoted through the ranks in spite of rape allegations.

A group of longtime military members in the audience scoffed at this idea during the discussion. They said that the military, in their case the Coast Guard, is getting much better, that sexual assault and harassment training is mandatory several times per year, and that the recruit will get that information right away at boot camp. "We cannot dissuade good people from joining!" they insisted. "And the majority of us are good people!"

Of course you are. But information presented after joining is too late for future rape victims; they are now locked into a system where their civil rights are taken away and there is little hope of justice. No, I say let young men and women know BEFORE they join; that is the best way to protect them while the military is made to deal with this horror. I sincerely hope that the documentary "The Invisible War" will help in that cause, shaming the military to finally do something about this life-destroying crime that has no place in our military system. It is a brilliant film that puts a human face, human costs on screen. Many of my friends took part in that film; it was a truly emotional experience for me. And it will be for anyone who sees it.

If you need anyone to talk to about mst, I am here, and so are thousands of other men and women who are experiencing many of the same issues as you. Reach out and grab a hand! You are not alone. The truth will, in fact, set you free.

Sources:

Surviving Jeffrey Dahmer

    http://www.survivingjeffreydahmer.org/

The Invisible War documentary

    http://invisiblewarmovie.com/

    https://www.facebook.com/invisiblewarmovie

    http://www.notinvisible.org/

Guardian article

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2011/dec/09/rape-us-military

Resource referral for men and women with mst

    https://www.facebook.com/vetwow#

    https://www.facebook.com/groups/fatiguesclothesline/

George Harrison: A Life of Music

My playlist for George, from the Beatles to the Krishnas, from Ravi Shankar
to the end.  A beautiful man and a beautiful life. ~LT xoxoxoxo

holes in the head

the sky is full of holes today

that match those in my head

occasionally i shoot right through

to infinite espace

not a place or a figure

not a plane drawn on a page

not an odorant or colorant

or a dreamworld i create

just espace simple

a moment i become

a peace beyond my thought waves

a miracle of love

like an arrow shot into the air

i know not where i'm bound

but i do not regret the day

that something shot me there

petit air d'été

(pour un amour éternel)

dimanche sauvage

et je me sens libre

un vent me porte

je deviens légère

une douce haleine

un air de chopin

un oiseau qui s'envole

au-delà de nous

vous ne me devez rien

comme tous les autres

vous m'avez courtisée

sans être jaloux

aujourd'hui c'est dimanche

un dernier été se déroule

je ne veux rien de plus
que vivre cet été entre nous

 "Arise my love" - peinture de Manuel Nunezart

Petit air de Chopin: