lost day

those days when
you don't know
where to begin

the emptiness
surrounding you
like a chicken coop

a list
an action
anything at all

to make the blood
course again
to push back the stress

to be able to say
i did something today
i did something ...

Out of the Insanity

"You're as insane as the rest of them,"
the silence tells me.
"You're not special."

Somehow this is comforting to me
as I melt into the walls of
the back bedroom.

Sometime ago, I ran away from a life
that was thrust on me
like an avalanche.

I spent 16 painful years,
then lost a lot of weight
and quit eating wheat things.

Yes, I got my will back
albeit by giving it away
but I'm not done yet:

Something is screaming at me to
run even faster now because
insanity is catching

And I'm so susceptible:
Action is nice but action's not enough
when it isn't human.

Underneath it all
like a loaded pistol
your diction

And my freedom
won from the bottom up
is all I have left

night rhapsody

so much daylight in a day
my own face is revealed to me
sallow and blemished

when nighttime comes
i pull the sheet over my head
and become fully invisible

birds are still singing
orange trees are still blooming
cars go roaring by my apartment

i hear, see, taste and smell
in that third eye that
sleeps above the world

Missing You

I've got to get a life,
somebody else's perhaps,
for mine is fading fast,
its signposts,
its diagnoses,
its daylight.

My child,
sometimes i miss you so much
that i can't feel you,
though i dream you,
hold your little feet,
call you "baby".

Do you miss me like that
late at night when
your anxiety comes on,
relief ten digits away,
clear as a bell my
voice across the wires?

logger meltdown

the logger meltdown is coming
the long haul into anger and despair
our silences deep holes
left by the huge tree trunks
and the unbearable noise in our ears
as we pull a hundred times our weight
through bramble and brush
and roll the logs into the river

we'll be tired and drunk by sundown
if we haven't up and quit

pas de courage

too hard

it's all too hard

and i'm forgetting

what i've always known:

love is nothing

not enough time

to get my act together

not enough strength

to begin again

why bother

when this comfortable

hole is waiting like

an unmade bed

inviting me to

lie down in it

now that's easy

easy as pie

which is not so easy

after all is said and done

it's the crust that counts

taken to the extreme

it's a long road to death

and my patience

is wearing as thin

as my skin

too old

too old to keep up appearances

I was riding on a cloud

but lightning struck

and told me the truth